Day 7: It's Cunnilingus Weather!/Kingernomics

"Lazy Sundays" are a big part of life in the apartment I inhabit. These usually involve lying around all day without "real" clothes on, playing video games, and watching cartoons. Well, Kinger mainly does those things. The rest of us usually just shuffle listlessly through our dull and empty existences.


Not today.

You see, today it was warm out.

Here in good old New Hampshire, if it cracks 50 degrees, it's okay to sunbathe. This sudden change of temperature apparently awakened the Kinger's long dormant sense of self-preservation and gave him the initiative to go into the kitchen and realize he had absolutely no food. "I need to go grocery shopping."


Light dawns on ginger head.


After setting his Instant Messenger away status to the seemingly ominous phrase of"it's cunnilingus weather!", he recruited me to accompany him (since I do not have a vagina, I did not fear becoming a victim of the soon-to-be-notorious 'Kingerlingus'.)


Now, I'm an absolute fucking failure at buying groceries, and more or less managing money in general. Every time I went grocery shopping, I'd come back broke with 5 boxes of Keebler Rainbow Chips Deluxe cookies and 3 packs of Top Ramen. I figured I could stand to take the time to observe some supposedly normal food-buying habits.

Perhaps, but today was not that time.

We proceeded through the entirety of the grocery store at a steady, marching, clip of about 5 miles per hour. In a car, this is practically a stand-still, but on-foot, it's burning fucking rubber. Kinger's hands grabbed things in succint, calculated motion. I couldn't catch everything, but I did see an almost disturbing amount of elbow macaroni form a distinct layer in the shopping cart. Before I knew it we were in the checkout line, and the only reason I was conscious then was because Kinger threw a goddamn 20-pack of toilet paper at my face (yeah, we wipe our ass that much here.)

Kinger bought 142 dollars worth of groceries, and proceeded to eat and drink half of his glorious haul over the course of the afternoon. I bought 35 dollars worth of groceries, and can see it lasting at least a week, maybe two.

So, who is the bad shopper? Me, Kinger, or both of us? To be perfectly honest, ladies and gentlemen, I still have no idea, even as I write this. I have no clever anecdote from today's adventure, nor any greater understanding of the mysterious "Kingernomic" scheme. I even tried to save the entry by taking a closer look at Kinger's dietary intake. Even that yielded nothing, except for the following figures. I leave the lesson up to you, dear reader, because I'm tired, cranky, and not looking forward to another week of white college youth drudgery.

A BOUNTY FIT FOR A KING(ER)
Pasta (of some sort): 95%
Soda: 1%
Fruit Snacks: 4%

Cunnilingus weather, indeed.